It’s 3 years tomorrow, since I lost my little brother, my best friend. He was the only one that got me through some hard days growing up. Times when I had no idea of who I was or who I wanted to be, he was the only constant… my peace. I always knew I was his big sister, his protector. When I became a mom and saw how much he loved my kiddos…it was the gift that kept on giving, seeing him be the best uncle ever. I never knew, nor could even fathom the pain and anger I feel because he is no longer with us. The agony is too much sometimes, a lump in your throat that won’t go away.
It’s 3 years of memories, birthdays, milestones that were not shared with him. It’s 3 years of adapting to the fact that he is not physically with us. Conforming to not being able to see him be a goof, laugh loudly, hug Julio just to make him uncomfortable, eating with his fingers in public because he could care less about what anyone else thought, waking up early in the morning to find out that he stayed up all night playing video games. I miss his fearless attitude! Christmas is extra hard! Anyone who has suffered loss knows, that with time, it gets “easier” to deal….it does, but it will never be the same. You want to make it special, for the kids, for others, but you know it’s never the same. Time can be cruel, it can get harder to hold on to a memory. Others move on, but you don’t want to because then, it can feel like you’re selling out. Real talk: you don’t want to sell out, ya know?! Moving on means that a part of you is ok with him being gone. I don’t want to be ok with that.
I find peace knowing that he is forever in my heart. I remember him when I see fireflies. I remember him when my son is as stubborn as he was. I remember him when we’re watching a Giants game. I remember him when I hear music. I remember him when I see the fearlessness in others. I remember him when we go apple picking. I remember him when I take a picture. I hold on to memories.
I miss him everyday but I hold on to my determination of having that same fearlessness of accomplishing anything!
I love you forever JRO!